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Chelsea

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tick tock tick tock [Sep. 9th, 2008|05:01 pm]
Chelsea
my boss isn't here today- and the day is taking forever to finish... geeeeeeeeez

seriously.. can it just be over with already. 28 minutes to go... but i am thinking about sneaking out a like 10 minutes early or so... :)

the art show got cancelled. lame. but its all good- i am sure there will be another one soon, at least i hope so.

21 days til phil comes! yes i am seriously counting down. Phil has been one of my best friends for a long time... and not seeing him for 5 years, is crazy, and totally not acceptable. i am proud though that throughout those 5 years, even though we didn't see each other, we still talked to each other, and still kept each other in our hearts. words can fully describe what that kid means to me. i love him so much! and i can't wait to see him, and cause trouble just like we used to!

nothing else. screw this never ending day!
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ksfm, sacramentos #1 for Hip Hop and R&B [Sep. 4th, 2008|10:48 am]
Chelsea
work work work.

all i really do... except they can barely keep me busy enough. Lol.
let me tell you. working for a radio station isn't as glamourous as one may seem. :)
but i can't lie and say it isn't fun as hell.

so as of yesterday- Phil is officially coming to visit. i am so excited. i haven't seen him in 5 years!!!! i can't wait. only 26 days! :)

got an art show next weekend- i need to bust out some new pieces to bring there... luckily my creativity is coming back again. i think its cause of cameron. (awwww)

i think i may have too many blog/journal type things to write in... lol... its kinda fun though. i think each one shows a different side of me. the myspace one, is the censored one... this is the old standby, and my blogspot is probably the most creative one... the one that doesn't really make sense. lol.

random! this entire entry- RANDOM!
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holy crap [Sep. 3rd, 2008|02:05 pm]
Chelsea
its been like 2 years since i wrote in here... crazy... think its time to start again. :)

california is treating me well. got a cute boy on my side, and some of the best friends a girl could ask for. its nice to feel this way.

:)
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Can't let go [Aug. 20th, 2006|11:44 pm]
Chelsea
[mood |discontentdiscontent]

i am missing minnesota. a lot lately. i miss the stabilty, the comfortable-ness, and i miss people. a lot. i have some truely amazing friends out here, don't get me wrong, but i miss the ones i have in minnesota too.

i am at a loss of what to do anymore. most days i say fuck minnesota. because i feel like no one cares, and i feel forgotten... and then i have those days, where all i want is to be sitting in my cousins bedroom watching pulp fiction, or playing tony hawk. its like, our group of friends has ACTUALLY stuck together. which amazes me. we all said we would, especially me, graham, JB, and Paul, but i left. i am the one missing from all the pictures and i am the one who ditched everyone else. because i couldn't handle life. so i ran away. andy told me about a week before i left that i was running away, and i told him to fuck off. now i believe him. but really. the whole group is still together, still going strong, and i feel like shit that i backed out on everyone. ME! the one who always wanted us to be together forever, the one who always wanted everyone to have my back, and to be there for me. i left, and i am no longer there for anyone. and it is clear that they are unaffected. at least most of them.

i mean, when i visit they say they miss me, and all that. but i have a hard time believing it. and i don't blame them if they don't miss me. but whatever.

things aren't always as perfect as i pretend they are. if one of my friends in MN were to call me, and ask me how california was, i guarentee that i would say "beautiful, amazing, perfect." and go on and on about how much i love my life out here. but the truth is that i still feel like shit most days, and i still want so much more out of life. i feel like i am destined to never be satisfied. it is great out here, there is no denying that, and i have wonderful people around me... but it still isn't enough. and i don't know what it will take to finally be content. all i know is that right now, i want minnesota, and i want it badly.
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hmmmm [Jul. 27th, 2006|01:43 am]
Chelsea
funny how i am always there for people, but when i am down, and need someone they are too busy.
well fuck that. thats what i say. i am sitting here freaking out because my cat is sick, and i am depressed and just feel like shit...and no one, and i mean NO ONE is talking to me. and i don't mean to complain, but it would be nice, especially with the whole quitting smoking thing.... but whatever. i guess whats going on with me doesn't really matter anyways... right?
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here i go again...... [Mar. 26th, 2006|02:22 am]
Chelsea
wow. another long time before a new entry. but i like to do this on occasion, to let the few people who actually read/check my LJ know i am still alive. lol. i assure you, that i am. YAY! things have been pretty great in california- its almost been a year. (HOLY SHIT) i don't know what else to write right now...so yea, thats it...i will update a little more frequently...(i think)
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when i left- and i said goodbye- did you know that i meant it? that time. [Jun. 28th, 2005|12:26 am]
Chelsea
[mood |depresseddepressed]
[music |"Now What" - Lisa Marie Presley]

so- hmmm- here i am again- randomly updating my Live Journal- and once again i cannot figure out what is possessing me to do this right now- but whatever- i am just gonna go with it. things have been absolutely fabulous out here in california- i got a job working at Hot Topic- which is just about the best damn job ever- i absolutely love my job. my mental health has been pretty stable and good- besides the missing everyone part- and the not having any friends out here part- but it will happen soon enough- just gotta hang with the peeps from work- eventually. i have to have a root canal done on wednesday- because i had a dumb fuck dentist who did a filling in my tooth- but he put a pin in there to help hold it in place- and now the pin is stabbing my nerves- and my face is all fucking swollen and shit- it sucks- VERY painful. but i am dealing with it- it has been going on for about 5 days now- or something like that. but yea. i have been doing a lot of thinking lately- a little more then one would like to do on a regular basis- but its alright- i am not complaining- at least not too much- i am just a little sick of thinking about really fucked up things and then not being able to let them go- and then not being able to sleep. but its alright.

i have been listening the new Lisa Marie Presley cd a lot lately- and let me just say- that it is a phenomenal cd. she has such a talent for writing- and her voice is amazing. these songs are speaking to me so much right now- it is a little creepy how perfect a lot of them are. but i like it.

i have pretty much officially decided that i am forgotten in MN, my friends do not call- they do not email me or anything- even when i do it first- so i am pretty sure that no one really misses me. but i am not really surprised either. because a lot of my "friends" aren't really friends anyway. so yea- it just hurts. i always give my all in friendships- and i am the friend that you can always turn to, and count on- who would do anything for you- yet i am the one who is constantly getting shit on. i seriously feel like i don't have any real friends left- except for a select few, who aren't family. because obviously my family is there- and this includes paul and emily- my cousins. but as for non-related people- i have travis, maggie, megan, corey, and roc. and that is seriously it- and yea that is a good amount- BUT- maggie and travis i have only been hanging out with for a little while- and i am not 100% comfortable yet- megan- i barely see- and roc- well until recently i hadn't talked to the kid in like 6 months or more, corey- is quite possibly one of the best people i have ever known- and i love her for all that she has done= but unfortunately i have not seen her in a very long time. so yea. i just wish that people wouldn't always leave me. like JB, Teegan, Graham, Erin, Cassi, Tori, and the rest of my old group of friends- because i was ALWAYS there for them- and not to be concieded or anything- but i was a damn good friend to them- and this is how i am repaid- with being shit on- and being forgotten- it is sad. it really is- because it shows you what is truly important to most of these people- drugs, alcohol, new girlfriends, partying, etc. not deep connections, and long talks, not being there for someone because you care, and all that stuff that should come with a friendship. so yea. i am just really sad about all that. and well yea.

nothing much else to say- hope you all enjoyed the random update. Peace.
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wow am i really doing this??? [May. 12th, 2005|10:42 pm]
Chelsea
[mood |lonelylonely]

i guess i really am. i am so bored right now, and so i dunno...lonely i guess. so i was just sitting here on my aunts computer in california(i moved) being bored and i figured, why the hell not update my live journal. so here i am. i am in california now...SWEET. its pretty fuckin cool. i am just lonely, and i miss my family and friends. but other than that...nothing else is new. i feel like shit today, i have horrible cramps, to the point that i want to stab my ovaries. i am lonely as all hell, in all ways possible. i want friends, family and a boyfriend/girlfriend, i'm not opposed to the idea of dating a girl, in fact i embrace it. if a girl could love me, then why the hell not, because i know i could fall in love with a girl...and if it was the right girl, then everything else would work out too, if you know what i am saying. i have come to the conclusion that i am extremely bisexual...being as that i have never been with a girl, i can't say that i am a lesbian, or whatever, but i totally embrace women, and i think they are so beautiful, and i wouldn't mind going to bed with one every night. as most women are bisexual, i don't feel weird saying this, i am just more open about it then most. i think most humans are born bisexual, and it just depends on who you fall in love with, and you never really know. but anyways, aside from my crazy rant about sexual orientation....if anyone reads this they are gonna think i have completely fallen off my rocker. oh well. i hopefully will get the job at the hot topic here in yuba city...if not hot topic..maybe starbucks...although hot topic would be mush cooler. anyways, i think that is about it. i have a lot of shit on my mind right now, and i want to get it out, but i can't think of the words to express it. those of you who may read this, i hope you enjoyed the come back of chelsea to live journal, although i don't know how permanent this may be. because myspace is so damn addicting. bye for now.
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everybody's got friends....except me [Nov. 30th, 2004|02:13 am]
Chelsea
[mood |angrypissed & somewhat sad!]
[music |good charlotte]

so as much as i hate live journal now, since myspace is so much better, i feel the need to update, not that anyone cares or even bothers with my journal or me anymore. sorry if i offend you by this..but honestly i am done caring. this goes out to all my so called "friends"

enough, stop pretending like you care
when you're only there when its conveient for you
stop asking me how i am
when if you were really my friend you would already know
stop asking me to get high
because you should know that i grew up
stop asking me to drink
because i have grown up from that, and i suggest you do too
stop acting like we're cool when i'm around
because actions speak louder than words
stop talking shit about me behind my back
because i never bad mouth you
stop hugging me and kissing my cheeks
as if that will make your absence ok
stop asking others where i have been
when you should already know if you really care
stop pretending like we are friends
because friends don't make you feel like this

ok, so that kinda sucked, but i don't care. i am so sick and tired of everyone who is suppossedly my friend, i wanna scream. no one is really there, and i have finally accepted that. i have lost everyone, and i don't know why...maybe its because i have grown up and i don't drink or smoke pot anymore...maybe its because i am not cool enough to be invited to party's or anywhere because i don't do those things anymore. the fact is that my life hasn't been easy and no i don't want your sympathy, but when you said you were gonna always be there, i was a fool and i believed you. but at the times when i needed you most, you were M.I.A. when i broke my foot, and couldn't leave my house on my own, you never called, or offered to come to visit or bring me somewhere. when i needed support through my hospitalization, you over looked it, because all you cared about was coming to my apartment and getting drunk or stoned. when my legs and stomach were bleeding and scarred you never asked why or offered any help. when i needed a little reassurance that my life was worth living, you didn't cough it up. when my family lost our house, you didn't offer me a place to stay, even though i would've done that for you. when i was missing almost everyday from school, you never asked why. the truth is, you have lied to me and decieved me for many years. you made me believe you would always be there. i went out on a limb for you, i did anything i could to make your life easier, or to help you out, but the favor was never returned. i am truly shocked at how selfish you all are, and i am sickened by what you call a friendship. friendships aren't one sided, they are a two way street and being friends with you was never that way. it was always take take take...but rarely give. funny how when you are around, i am the last to find out. i know i am forgotten, and i know i was a hassle, but fucking christ was it that hard to just tell me to my face, instead of tagging me along for such a long time, lying to me and making me believe in something that was never there? all i want is to know why!!!!! why did you do this to me? what did i ever do wrong? i am glad to be outta my apartment and with some people that actually care about me. people who don't talk shit or use me for my house. you don't call me anymore, because i don't have the party house anymore, because i don't drink and i don't smoke pot. i guess what they teach you in drug rehab is true..."user friends aren't real friends" because if they were, they wouldn't care if you quit, they wouldn't stop calling, because you didn't want to smoke or drink. god am i glad to be out of that apartment...maybe you think i'm a pussy for going back home to my parents, but why would i stay living with people who just don't care? why would stay in a place that was constantly bad for my mental health..why would i stay when i was constantly being used??? everything about that place makes me sick, and its because of the parties and recklessness of "friends" that i won't get the damage deposit back...sure i spilled hair dye on the bathroom floor...but who always spilled alcohol and burned the carpet? friends, thats who...and there is no way in hell i am paying a dime if we get charged, sorry girls, but it's not gonna happen. i lived there for a short time..and before that andy payed the damage deposit...when he left, it was then transferred as my part of the damage deposit...so if we do have to pay, don't look to me...i have already payed my share, in money and my health. and i am so glad you guys became such good friends and turned your backs on me..thats so fucking cool..i hope the partys are raging at the new place. so all of my "friends" don't look to me when you need a shoulder to cry on, or a place to stay or someone to hang out with, because i will reject your offer, because i am done giving when i get nothing in return. Peace "friends" and have a fucking awesome life!
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wallowing in my pain...and boy is it fun... [Nov. 19th, 2004|12:05 am]
Chelsea
just some songs, that i throughly enjoy, and make me remember the days when i felt alone, but wasn't so alone, and now i feel alone, but i am alone....does that make any sense?

YOUR OWN DISASTER- Taking Back Sunday


Just think of this and me
as just a few of many things
to lie around
to clutter up your shelves
And I wish you weren't worth the wait
because there's some thing's
I'd like to say to you...

I don't think that
you know what
you've been missing
Cuz I don't think that
you know what
you've been missing

I dare you to forget
those marks you left
across my neck
from those nights when we were both
found at our best
I could make this obvious,
and you, you could deny me
all in one breath
you could shrug me off
your shoulders...

I don't think that
you know what
you've been missing
Cuz I don't think that
you know what
you've been missing

Hey, lush, have fun
It's the weekend
Hey, lush, have fun

Hey, lush, have fun
It's the weekend
Hey, lush, have fun

I don't think that
you know what
you've been missing
I don't think that
you know what
you've been missing

Just forget me
it's that simple
Just forget me
it's that simple


WAIT-Something Corporate

i can hear ticking clocks,
running rampant in me,
chiming in apogee
waiting for the cynergy
of her and me waiting on the light
and i never say goodnight
never say that i'm always right

now in you girl
i'm consent to drown
you're so high and i'm so down
this night'll end sooner but much sooner now
i'm awake in you and you're asleep in me
all the things i'll never be
make me wonder could you see
and i said

wait, till i hit the ground harder
wish i could wait, to i could hear your heartbeat fast
wish i could wait till i missed her flavour
my days are numbered here
and i don't want to be the last one home
don't want to be the last one home

though i'm weak inside
i'm thriving just the same
still calling out your name
wondering who it is that i should blame
stabbing hard and burried
conciousness and fear
forgetting others i hold dear
wontcha maybe could you hear
and i said to

wait, till i hit the ground harder
wish i could wait, to hear your heartbeat fast
wish i could wait till i missed her flavour
my days are numbered here
and i don't want to be the last one home
no no no
the last one home
(oh here we go...)

there you are baby
just waiting on the sun
just staring at the sky
said when will he be done
and i said there you are baby
waiting on the sun
staring at the sky
said when will he be done
when will he be done

and i wish i could wait, till i see you shaking
wish i could wait to pull out of this one fast
wish i could wait till i taste your flavour
and maybe i can savour every last drop
and i said

wait, till i hit the ground harder
wish i could wait, to hear to hear your heartbeat fast
i wish i could wait to see you shaking
my days are numbered here
and i don't want to be the last one home
the last one home
the last one home


thats all i got for tonight....
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